My mother passed away a month ago after a 7 year fight with cancer. Her last weeks were horrible, and her last few hours were incredibly painful because she didn’t receive any morphine for various reasons (pharmacies were shut, she preferred to be at home rather than in a hospital, medical response team couldn’t find a vein, etc.)

The only saving grace right now is that she’s no longer having to go through that pain. I know that, given the choice, she would’ve chosen to go a lot earlier. It would’ve been much less painful, she (and we) could prepare, and it would have left her with some dignity. When I think about her situation, I find that I’m just so angry for so many reasons at so many people - family members, her consultants, the doctors that (didn’t) attend to her when she was in hospital and in dangerous conditions that could’ve been prevented. I’m even angry at myself for so many different things. I have so much rage built up in me right now, but I know my mother wouldn’t want me to be so angry. So many regrets, so much sadness, so much shit. I feel like I deserve punishment for everything I’ve done wrong (‘wrong’ by my own definition) over the years.

I dont want to hear that I “shouldn’t be angry” at family or myself. I can, I absolutely should for all the things they have and haven’t done, and I will. I don’t want to be told that I did everything I could, because frankly, I could’ve done more. I want to be angry, I’m fucking allowed to be, and I wish people would fucking stop telling me that it’s okay because it’s fucking not okay.

My biggest regret is letting go of her hand when the paramedics came. That is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. She was so fucking scared, and I fucking let go.

I hope everyone else enjoys their holidays with their families.