My past couple of posts have been very specific in application, but now that events are set in motion to regain agency, it seems a good time to try to pay forward the lessons I’ve gained from at this point 14 months.

• If your career is part of your identity, cool. But don’t bullshit yourself about where you fall, and keep a critical eye on your industry if you’re heavily invested. If it’s not, don’t make life about adapting for a paycheck.

• Trying to think about the future while in active addiction is pointless. Job searches necessarily were limited to things I knew I could do and still get shitfaced every night, and my perception thereof dropped precipitously past my mid-20s.

• Philosophy is there for when you get stuck, and it’s not nearly as dry as in school. I found myself far more forgiving of blurred lines into religion with especially Buddhism than expected. I’d known since my divorce that I wasn’t able to start asking the right questions, but philosophy wasn’t speaking to me yet.

• You are a reflection of the people you surround yourself with. Any self-improvement in negative behaviours can easily lead to resentment from people who still exhibit them, and it is necessary to on a case-by-case basis decide what to do about this friction. One option that must remain on the table is severe curtailment or outright rejection of further communication. Regardless of perceived positives, there is no amount of negativity that underperforms on balance. Your sanity and outlook depend on positive reinforcement.

• As a quick add-on, this also applies in parasocial settings. So, if Reddit is your baseline for forum interaction, regardless of how reasonable of a person you are, it’s going to feel more appropriate to bring your snark from being online for 30 years … as a default for every interaction. That mindset doesn’t switch on and off and thus spills out into other interaction both online and off.

• You are under no obligation to be reachable by anyone during all waking hours. Sure, there are legitimate work reasons, but those are self-evident. I’m talking about rejecting the notion that your phone means you’re awaiting contact as a default state.

• Shrooms can be a viable method for quieting rumination (allowing new thoughts and ideas to fill that space), putting a lid on addiction and facing very deep assumptions that were never yours. The visuals are fun, too.

• Draw boundaries and stick to them. There’s no point in wasting energy trying to keep a disrespectful person in your life.

• Assess risks and costs accurately when considering actions. Inertia can be really fucking expensive.

• Consider where others are on their journeys and always keep Hanlon on hand for the closest shave. Accept that your paths are not intertwined forever. And consider you’re the one who’s fallen behind.

After actually enumerating these, I wouldn’t have expected half of self-improvement to be about interaction, but it’s not really as surprising in the rear view. You can practice mantras and draw up budgets and all that good stuff, but building a better bubble is not building a better life.

Even relatives and close friends can do a lot of damage to confidence that inhibits options. When you’re cutting someone off, if doesn’t have to be forever (we’ll always have email), but it could well be what’s stopping you from getting to a place where you can accept them back (or they you).

But overall, regaining agency is is about being open to new paths. If the one you have isn’t working, you can embark upon an expansive but ultimately futile excursion trying to graft ac-hoc solutions onto it or really get into the weeds about what a reasonable path looks like and start from there. The latter approach seems to be far more useful.