I am my gfs first partner, she is my second. The girl I dated prior (for 6 months) was a vlogger and for like 3 months made a lotta relationship and prank videos wth me which I was fine with at the time. Now my current gf is my first ever real crush and Ive been into her for a decade.
So my gf stalked my ex somehow, idk how consodering Im not on social media myself (this account is the literal exception). She then asked a LOT of questions about my ex, I dodged just about every question. After that she just pulled away and was distant and would barely talk to me or meet up. She finally told me she found my ex’s yt channel and watched every single thing on there.
Now I think Ive been VERY understanding and comforting to her, reassuring her literally every day since, being very loving and romantic to the point of cringing myself out. But she never really got over what she saw, idk if she rewatched that stuff or not but it was def smth thats always been in the back of her mind. She also knows that I broke up with my ex since I was moving countries and not bc the relationship was bad.
Now for the terrible part, smth i truly did not remember was that me and my ex had made a more personal video which was still saved somewhere on my laptop. I absolutely did not know of this and if I did I woulda gotten rid of it. Now my gf has access to my laptop (with my approval ofc) and she somehow stumbled upon it, I caught her curled up in my bed absolutely bawling her eyes out with the video playing on my desk. I have never felt this disgusting.
This is the first time my gf has denied my hug for comfort or just been so repulsed by me, she wont touch me while i explained everything, I deleted said video infront of her and begged her for a week. First she told me she needed to think things over but knowing her she wanted me chasing and I did just that, second week Ive given her space and theres been no change. We have had 2 dry 5 min convos in the last week.
How do I fix this or make it upto her???
Tl;dr: Gf found an old personal video involving an ex and wont talk to me anymore.
I don’t have a more polite way of putting this, and as a woman I just can’t sympathize.
She fucked around and found out.
What was she expecting? I’m going to snoop into my boyfriend’s most intimate moments with their ex, unprompted, and… THEN WHAT? CRY ABOUT IT? Your girlfriend is a dumbass. She hurts herself and then she takes it out on you? Not a single bit of this is your fault. If she’s giving you grief, ignore her or exit the relationship if she can’t get over it. Holy fuck I’m annoyed by this story.
This is a her problem, not a you problem. She needs to get over it. You didn’t do anything wrong. She’s being immature and needs to grow up.
Like the others said:
She needs to grow up, accept that you had a previous relationship before this and that’s ok.
You need to also accept that that’s ok and stop acting like you’ve got something to hide. You’re not protecting her or your relationship by doing that, you’re just making yourself look suspicious and untrustworthy. #1 trait of every good relationship is trust, even if that means saying difficult things now and then. A relationship without trust is not one worth having.
Don’t dodge your partner’s questions about exes. Answer honestly. Don’t chase – this is ridiculous.
However, assure in the most non-blaming way positive that you want to be with her and why. And that you absolutely don’t want your ex.
Now, given the situation, it’s probably best to compose a long text message. Work on it offline. Give it some thought, don’t just brain dump.
And then give her however much time she needs to either change her mind or not.
But essentially someone that insecure will have to work on it. With some of your help. An oh boy this will not be the last time a tantrum like that happens.
Thanks, I think I’ll write her a letter.
Small question: Why did you dodge “just about every question”? I think that would concern me more than any of the videos would if I were her. :(
My post wasnt very clear, I’m sorry. I did dodge questions initially, after she saw everything on youtube I told her most things she wanted to know. Also I broke up with my ex bc i was moving back to the country I’m in now and my gf knows this so she cant expect anything sus happening. I could try giving her all the information she wants, but I don’t think she’d like that. We also live in a culture with arranged marriages and no talks of exs. Plus there were some bizzare questions that I dont regret avoiding.
My dude, you fucked up any trust you could have built with her when you “dodged just about every question” she asked about your ex.
If I asked about an ex and my boyfriend was dodgy about answering, and then I found a sex tape of them on his laptop, i wouldn’t trust you either.
You can talk all you want, but if your actions don’t match your words, that talk is useless. It means nothing.
From the way you speak about this, I get the feeling you kind if enjoy the drama. It’s good you deleted the video, but if this girl decides to stay with you, I’d make damn sure my actions matched up to my words.
I dodged the questions before she had seen the yt videos, after that I was much more open woth information. I also no longer live in the country where my ex is, I moved back home. And I dont enjoy this drama, all it does is make me stressed throughout the day.
I know, that’s the problem. You sent up red flags by dodging questions about you ex in the first place. It makes everything after that way more sus than it should have been.
Why are you dodging questions at all? Like I see you answering that question elsewhere that it’s not culturally done with you to talk about exs… But that kind of a BS excuse. No one anywhere enjoys talking about past partners. Everywhere it’s normal for people not to talk about relationships You should’ve put on your big boy pants and told her straight up whatever was on her mind.
Relationships take trust and if you are being evasive when she is looking for info that’s a hell of a red flag to her. End of the day, it just sounds like you got something to hide. Perhaps then she would believe an honest mistake finding a more intimate video.
Although, frankly, the fact that you kept it all post break up is kinda gross. When a relationship ends, EVERYONE needs to delete EVERY adult piece of media they have. The fact that you didn’t do this post break up is kinda gross and a red flag all by itself.
Friend, you planted a lot of landmines for your self. It’s not a huge suprise they are blowing up.
The answer is to explain all of this to her openly and honestly. If you do that and she truly can’t accept the fact that you had an ex-girlfriend, that’s a very different issue. Don’t fall for the guilt and jealousy bullshit if that’s what this is, at heart. Don’t be evasive about it, but also don’t let her weaponize your past as if you were wrong to have it.
Here’s the thing, you were caught dodging questions about your ex (don’t think for a second she didn’t notice) and now she finds an intimate video on your laptop.
You have to realise how that can paint a very damning picture for her. The worst part wasn’t the video, but the fact that you were dodging questions. If it wasn’t for this, you could have explained it, but given how you were dodging questions about your ex, now she’s going to doubt any answer you gave her.
There is a fundamental issue of if she can trust you. And you’ve painted a pretty damning picture.
If you want to address anything, address this part. Invite her to ask her anything and everything, even the parts you don’t want to bring up.
My post wasnt very clear, I’m sorry. I did dodge questions initially, after she saw everything on youtube I told her most things she wanted to know. Also I broke up with my ex bc i was moving back to the country I’m in now and my gf knows this so she cant expect anything sus happening. I could try giving her all the information she wants, but I don’t think she’d like that.
She absolutely can suspect something going on, and perhaps it might not be unreasonable to. Just because you’re in different countries does not mean that feelings aren’t there.
So you’ve got:
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being initially unwilling to come forward with these details.
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she knows you broke up for reasons that don’t involve feelings going away
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she found intimate videos of you two on your laptop.
I’m pretty sure her mind right now is filling in the blanks in the worst possible way right now, as people tend to do, and she may not know if she can trust your first answer. This is why dodging the questions initially was about the worst thing you could have done except for actually having something going on.
It sounds like she’s convinced that things between you and this vlogger aren’t over at all.
This is the conclusion Im afraid she’ll come to. Even though I love this girl with all my heart and she’s literally my first crush from way back in highschool, it still feels like a dream that we got together.
I think the best thing you can do here is offer her a heart-to-heart and wait for her to take you up on it. You may have to sit patiently for a bit.
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If she can’t accept that people have relationships with others, she’s mental
I wouldnt wanna see my partners sex tape either! I dont think shes wrong to feel this way.
It’s all the stuff before that they are refering to.
But still having that video is a major fuck up especially given everything else you’ve said. It basically confirms everything they were worried about I’m afraid.
Confirms what exactly? That the person they knew was in a prior relationship was in a prior relationship? That they had sex?
Not like I’d want to watch an old video of my SO having sex with their ex but I’m not going to pretend they were a virgin unless they said they were either. Unsurprisingly, a person’s life didn’t revolve around a person they hadn’t yet known.
Keeping a sex tape of your ex isn’t a good look generally.
OP also says their partner was worried as the previous relationship ended because OP moved not because the relationship went bad.
This to me implies they are worried OP still loves their ex and keeping a sex tape could reinforce that idea.
Current partner going thru your stuff is a worse look tho
That depends really. OP said they were on there with permission.
Also not everyone cares about that.
My wife has full permission to use my laptop (and I hers), but if she got on my laptop to search through my photos and videos to try to find something (something bad, that is), I would absolutely call that a breach of trust.
There’s a difference between using and snooping.
Then why would she go looking for a video if someone that she knows will hurt her? Sex tape or not, she tried to find things from your old relationship and guess what - people who are dating fuck.
TBH if this is being caused by just videos of you and your ex doing harmless things, it sounds like she’s not really ready for an adult relationship and needs to talk to a professional to handle it possibly.
The youtube videos were just romantic stuff mostly, the video she found on my laptop was of a more adult nature. I know she can be insecure bout my last repationship, but I think I’d react similarly if I was in her situation.
I think the point was that her initial reaction to the YouTube videos was not appropriate to the nature of the videos.
- She stalker your ex online because she’s feeling insecure and wanted to compare her to herself
- She watched them all even though it was causing her discomfort
- She gave you the cold shoulder because of harmless videos with your ex. Is she expecting you to not have a life before her?
but I think I’d react similarly if I was in her situation.
That’s worse. You understand that’s worse, right?
She was.looking for a reason to feel bad and she found it. That’s not your fault OP. Your gf is very insecure and it has nothing to do with you, you’re just the scapegoat. It seems like she’s not ready for a serious relationship, and you may not be either, OP. There’s no “making it up to her”. Based on the very little bit of information present in this thread (take what I’m saying with a grain of salt because I may very well be 100%) it seems like y’all might have some codependency issues
She literally went to try find something from an ex relationship abd then got upset she found it. You made that at the time you were with the person - I know my wife has a diary that discusses her exes when she was with them, and there is no way in hell im going to look into it.
You’re in your second relationship so I’ll fill you in on a detail from the outside - this isn’t normal relationship behavior.
Hol up. You have porn of you and your ex, and you’re wondering why your current gf is mad?
I have fucking terabytes, literally, of data. Backups from this phone or the previous, or this laptop or the next, just tons of data, on this drive or another or stuck in a personal S3 storage. Yeah I’ll delete them if I find them but I’m not about to fucking put effort into it. It’s all encrypted, even if it’s found it can’t be opened without explicit permission and action even by the best security engineers in the world, but that doesn’t mean I give a shit about making sure it’s deleted.
When you change partners you tend to remember things like having porn of you backed up on your NAS out of respect. But go on with yourself. Also, https://xkcd.com/538/
Tell her you feel like a jerk, you can only imagine how this whole thing has affected her emotionally, and that you think it would be a terrible way to walk away from an otherwise great relationship. Tell her whatever she decides, you’ll let her lead the way, and mean it, because if she doesn’t return your messages, or says no, they both mean “goodbye”.
I think the first partner second partner is key here. The rest is just the result of that. Natural curiosity into your past and no experience to understand where that curiosity inevitably leads is a recipe for despair and jealousy on her part. As someone who was on the other side of an…investigation… like this she does need to wake up and understand that right now, you are her partner. I wouldn’t just let her suffer though, try to be more outward in terms of your dedication to her. She seems sad in the same way a person feels when they have lost a competition. It hurts more because you know someone else had more/did better than you. So, compete! Unfortunately she has seen your old relationship in detail—likely a distorted version bc social media. Maybe try to tell her about things that weren’t great in your old relationship. Tell her things she does better than the old girl, maybe how much more attractive you find her. What’s killer here is the contrast between what she feels she has and what she feels the other girl had. Wash away that contrast, even flip it.
Thanks, this is great advice!
I don’t know that you can fix it because it sounds like her issue. I obviously don’t know the contents of the video but it sounds like you have done everything to assure her that you are committed to her and want to be in a relationship with her. People have pasts and if she cannot accept that then it is something she needs to work on not you.
The youtube videos were just romantic stuff mostly, the video she found on my laptop was of a more adult nature.
Well, I can see how that would be upsetting. Definitely holding on to intimate videos of an ex is not a good idea. Still, if it was an honest mistake then it is still up to her to decide if she can move on. You have done all you can.
From her perspective, her brain is basically responding in the same way as if she caught you having sex in person. I know you didn’t cheat on her. She knows it too. But there’s still a subconscious part that is going to respond that way because brains don’t naturally understand video and real life. Depending on how new the relationship is, there may not be enough of a bridge to repair yet. Sometimes relationships fail through no fault of either party. Mistakes happen. It especially depends on how you acted on the relationship video and prank videos. Even if it was “for the camera”, if you appear differently in those videos than now, she may not fully trust which version is you. It depends on how strong that foundation was beforehand and simply the ages of everyone involved. Young relationships are messy because no one has much life experience about what’s happening, and a lot of times it’s from TV, movies, and music.
Thanks yeah thats a good take. I do appear different in the videos so far as consistency is concerned. I am similarly a cringe hopeless romantic with my gf but thats a more consistent personality in those videos which is impossible to keep up in real life. Im sure a lot of other minor things about my personality have changed since too but that just happens.
You’re 22. Go fuck someone else - this girl has red flags all over the place.
She’s mad/upset because you have a past. Guess what? We all do. She needs to grow up.
Shes hurt, and for the moment she just needs a little time to sort things out.
Give her some space for a few days.
Its been 2 weeks of very little contact and I’m a bit worried that she isnt even ready to talk yet.
Thats a little long. I don’t know you, her, or your relationship, but I would try talking to her. Try to figure out where to go, because it sounds like the relationship is damaged, but can still be repaired.
Thanks, It’s felt a bit hopeless the last couple of days. I’d do whatever it takes to fix this.
