Even IF you somehow manage to navigate today’s maze of failures, rejections and heartbreak, what is your reward? To live yet another day in misery? To wait until climate change, war or disease does away with us?
A reward would be to be able to rest. I don’t mean death per sé, but it seems like that’s the only real-life thing left available to people like us.
Yes, yes, I know very well that “if nothing has meaning, YOU get to choose the meaning”. Except I don’t. Maybe if I was rich or powerful. But I’m poor, in poor health and powerless.
I read Camus’ Sisiphus, and I, for one, cannot possibly imagine him happy.
A few points. What you have regarding the computers is “imposter syndrome”, which basically means you are almost certainly better at it than you think you are. If you can get the job done then you are good at it, and it doesn’t matter if you think other people are better at it than you.
The best thing you can do for your family is be there for them and love them. Having a loving and happy parent or spouse is infinitely more valuable than having a wealthy one. Don’t underestimate your value to them in non monetary terms.
They might not realise that what they think is good natured joking is hurtful to you, so maybe try to get them to realise that your hobby is important to you and your mental health.
Basically don’t underestimate yourself and the positive impact you have on other people, and also take care of yourself so you can take care of them.