Feelings: I can’t shake away the thought that I’ve hurt her deeply. I mourn for the children we wanted to have. The house and the garden I promised. The stolen fertile years of her life. I hurt someone whose only crime was not quite being able to share the same headspace as me. I felt lonely in the relationship due to the language and the alien culture, but since I’ve been alone and moved back to my home country I’ve realised that I tend to just generally live in my head, regardless of language or company.
I feel that my loneliness problem wasn’t coming from her somewhat difficulty in hearing me, but in my difficulty sharing aspects of myself with others. I feel that I’ve ruined my life, and that’s okay, completely self-inflicted… but I can’t live with the idea that I’ve ruined hers too. The thought and the guilt buries me every night.
Closure: we’ve said goodbye a thousand times, and have talked about the above themes, but I can’t shake away the memories I have with her.
For what it’s worth I think that’s still quite recent and I think grieving is going to be a longer process. Like if you’ve moved on a year from now then that would be amazing, so I wouldn’t focus so much on that right now.
I’m mostly okay during the day (I can distract myself with work or hobbies), but at night is when it all hits me. I’ll be okay though, I’ve just started reading book after book after book in bed until sleep comes.
I also know plenty of people who’ve been through much much worse, and they all tell me that time really does tend to heal everything. So I’ve got to be patient I guess.
Another thought that helps is something she herself said, in that she did not wish to be pitied by me. Someone also told me that it’s not my job to “rescue” her, so I can maybe try to free myself of the guilt by pursuing that line of thought, and trying to focus on my own happiness.
Btw, thanks for carrying on through this comment chain with me, it’s really helped me process some things - it sounds like you yourself have experience in this topic
Yes my experience tells me that time does heal it, but it requires emotional work.
She’s her own woman and you should listen to her and your friends. We are all just human and none of us are perfect. You don’t sound like the kind of person who would hurt people they love on purpose.
What helps me is to take time away from work and hobbies and the dopamine hits. I go out the door and follow my intuition, not my mind. Then I find a place to stand or to sit and I stay there for as long as I am able to be patient. It has never failed to help me.
Sometimes you just have to wake up and look at the ceiling for a while. And to be brave enough to face your feelings, by directly experiencing them. The only way I can make it go away is by respecting it and giving it the space it asks for within me. That is, I allow myself to feel guilt, or shame, or fear. That’s when it melts away and I can find what I’ve been looking for.
That’s interesting. I definitely do not like to be alone with my thoughts at the moment and actively seek distraction, but maybe I should just find a quiet space and see what’s going on inside. Thanks for this
Feelings: I can’t shake away the thought that I’ve hurt her deeply. I mourn for the children we wanted to have. The house and the garden I promised. The stolen fertile years of her life. I hurt someone whose only crime was not quite being able to share the same headspace as me. I felt lonely in the relationship due to the language and the alien culture, but since I’ve been alone and moved back to my home country I’ve realised that I tend to just generally live in my head, regardless of language or company.
I feel that my loneliness problem wasn’t coming from her somewhat difficulty in hearing me, but in my difficulty sharing aspects of myself with others. I feel that I’ve ruined my life, and that’s okay, completely self-inflicted… but I can’t live with the idea that I’ve ruined hers too. The thought and the guilt buries me every night.
Closure: we’ve said goodbye a thousand times, and have talked about the above themes, but I can’t shake away the memories I have with her.
Sounds like a many incomplete closures? So you keep talking with each other or where are you now?
Broke up in February. Said a final goodbye in August. Haven’t talked since.
For what it’s worth I think that’s still quite recent and I think grieving is going to be a longer process. Like if you’ve moved on a year from now then that would be amazing, so I wouldn’t focus so much on that right now.
How are you holding up?
I’m mostly okay during the day (I can distract myself with work or hobbies), but at night is when it all hits me. I’ll be okay though, I’ve just started reading book after book after book in bed until sleep comes.
I also know plenty of people who’ve been through much much worse, and they all tell me that time really does tend to heal everything. So I’ve got to be patient I guess.
Another thought that helps is something she herself said, in that she did not wish to be pitied by me. Someone also told me that it’s not my job to “rescue” her, so I can maybe try to free myself of the guilt by pursuing that line of thought, and trying to focus on my own happiness.
Btw, thanks for carrying on through this comment chain with me, it’s really helped me process some things - it sounds like you yourself have experience in this topic
Yes my experience tells me that time does heal it, but it requires emotional work.
She’s her own woman and you should listen to her and your friends. We are all just human and none of us are perfect. You don’t sound like the kind of person who would hurt people they love on purpose.
What helps me is to take time away from work and hobbies and the dopamine hits. I go out the door and follow my intuition, not my mind. Then I find a place to stand or to sit and I stay there for as long as I am able to be patient. It has never failed to help me.
Sometimes you just have to wake up and look at the ceiling for a while. And to be brave enough to face your feelings, by directly experiencing them. The only way I can make it go away is by respecting it and giving it the space it asks for within me. That is, I allow myself to feel guilt, or shame, or fear. That’s when it melts away and I can find what I’ve been looking for.
That’s interesting. I definitely do not like to be alone with my thoughts at the moment and actively seek distraction, but maybe I should just find a quiet space and see what’s going on inside. Thanks for this
💯