PRINCETON, NJ—Shedding new light on the shadowy figures lurking around every corner, a study from researchers at Princeton University revealed Monday that the average American has at least three people plotting to kill them at all times. “Our research shows that nearly every man, woman, and child in the country is…

PRINCETON, NJ—Shedding new light on the shadowy figures lurking around every corner, a study from researchers at Princeton University revealed Monday that the average American has at least three people plotting to kill them at all times. “Our research shows that nearly every man, woman, and child in the country is currently being trailed by someone who means them harm,” said study coauthor Dr. Howard Friesch, who was pleased to announce that the findings confirmed the researchers’ long-held theory that no one is safe. “They could be a casual acquaintance, a jilted lover, or even a stranger, someone you’ve only ever made eye contact with once who has now decided you must be destroyed. They could be teaming up to take you down together, or all be competing to be the one to get to you first. There is one guy plotting to kill everyone, so that ups the average a bit.” At press time, Dr. Friesch suggested Americans live off the grid in the desert where they can see if someone is coming from miles away.

link: https://www.theonion.com/study-average-american-has-at-least-3-people-plotting-1851066563

  • sadbehr@lemmy.nzEnglish
    64·
    11 months ago

    There is one guy plotting to kill everyone, so that ups the average a bit.

    I love this bit.

    • jwt@programming.devEnglish
      10·
      11 months ago

      And what about suicidal people with multiple personality disorder, are they counted more than once? We need answers goddamnit!

  • unalivejoy@lemm.eeEnglish
    10·
    11 months ago

    Most people aren’t planning to kill you. It’s the 0.1% with several death threats each day that boosts the average.

    • IninewCrow@lemmy.caEnglish
      33·
      11 months ago

      What about the mass of poor people that grow frustrated every day and start thinking more and more of wanting to kill the few rich.

      One poor person may have one or two people that want to kill them for some reason.

      A millionaire probably has hundreds of people lining up to take them out.

      A billionaire probably needs a team of people to deal with thousands of people that are constantly plotting against them.